My name is Kristin. I am 27 years old and I have been in church my entire life. Not only was I “in church” at a young age, I have also been a PK (preacher’s kid) for over ten years which means I was ALWAYS at church. As a teenager, I was a youth leader, a member of the drama team, part of the youth praise and worship band, and an avid member of the youth group. I always knew that God had a calling for me and a purpose for my life. At a young age, I felt God drawing me to him and for years I followed his voice, but by the time I turned 17, I grew a spirit of rebellion inside my heart. Let me just say, I have a wonderful family and have always been given the best of everything. Maybe I was given too much….maybe I was spoiled…..maybe I was sheltered..…maybe I couldn’t deal with Satan’s lies that I “came second to the church” with my parents.
When I was 18 years old, I moved out of my parents’ home so I could “live my own life” and have control. I was so tired of being placed on a pedestal for everyone to see every choice/mistake I made and also tired of abiding by the Christian values and “rules” my parents had placed and strictly enforced in my life. After moving out of my parents’ home, my life spiraled out of control. I had thrown away all the good friendships I had built up my entire life and replaced them with friendships that suited my “new life” better. I began smoking, cussing, drinking, and spending my time with others who not only drank, but smoked weed and used pills. As much as I was around the marijuana and pills, I never felt the urge to try it myself. Thankfully, God always kept his hand on me and never allowed me to do either the pills or the weed. However, over a few months time, I had still completely changed who I had always been. I continued down that path until I got pregnant at the age of 19 with my daughter, Anna. In 2007, I married my husband and Anna was born. Even though my lifestyle had somewhat changed from the party life to being a wife and taking care of my daughter I was still battling a spiritual and mental battle at home, my husband’s addiction.
Over the years in dealing with his addictions, my heart became so filled with anger, bitterness, resentment, sorrow, depression, and pure heartache. Not only was his addiction killing him, it was killing me as well….mentally, emotionally, and physically. Living with his addiction was like living in a cycle of confusion and fear. He would go to rehab to get help…..get better….come home….and things would be great, for about two weeks. In that time, I was always fearful of what tomorrow would bring, but I learned to just be happy with the way things were. Then, the cycle would start all over. Things would go from bad, to worse, to pure chaos in a matter of months. Not only did it affect his state of mind…it also affected mine. To deal with his addiction, I would turn to alcohol. I used alcohol as my “coping mechanism.” I would drink to take away the feelings of abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, worthlessness, and heartache that I dealt with on a daily basis. No matter how much I drank, all those feelings remained and I never could understand why I felt like my heart was cold and hard.
I never once saw this behavior as me running from God. I went to church. I had been in church my entire life and knew Jesus. It angered me when people would tell me to give God control of my life and that I was running from my purpose and the calling he had for me. I didn’t feel that I needed to give God control. I could fix this myself and didn’t need God’s help. Instead of seeing that they were concerned about my future and loved me, I was convinced everyone was just looking down upon me with judgment. As the years went by in dealing with my husband’s addiction, my mental and emotional state became worse and worse. Around the time that things had reached the breaking point, I got pregnant with my youngest daughter, Harper. In the months that I was pregnant with Harper, I began to feel completely alone and isolated from everyone and everything.
I was filled with fear that something would happen to my husband or he would be arrested and I would be left alone taking care of two children alone like I had been left so many times with my oldest child. In that time, Satan began to fill my mind with lies….awful terrible lies. “If God loved you, he would stop this…” “You are wasting your time crying out to God, he doesn’t hear you” “Nobody would ever miss you if you just disappeared…” “This is always going to be your life…you are doomed and stuck in this life forever”….These are just a few of the terrible lies that clouded my mind on a daily basis. After giving birth to Harper and months of listening to the devil’s lies, I gave up. Due to his addiction and spending every waking moment focused on drugs and spending all his time with those who also used drugs, my husband was hardly ever home so I felt totally alone, unloved, and worthless. I completely handed my mind over to Satan. I allowed his lies and deceit to lead me to a place of severe depression and becoming suicidal. There were multiple times when I just locked myself in the bathroom and contemplated a way to end my life and just get it over with to end the misery.
If not for the love I have for my children and the mercy and love of God, I know I wouldn’t be sharing my testimony today. Finally, while sitting in the bathroom floor one night with a bottle of pills in my hand, God spoke to me. It’s as if he was standing right in front of me, I could hear him that clearly tell me, “Look at yourself. Look at what you are doing. Look at where this life has led you. Get up! You will never get what you want from me….until you give me what I want from you – Control!” That’s all he has ever wanted....was for me to walk in HIS will…not my own. So I submitted all control of my path, my relationship with my husband, my children, my finances, and most importantly…I gave him control of my heart. Once he was given control, everything in my life changed. Not only has he completely transformed my relationship with my husband, he has also changed how I feel about myself. He has given me the love I always needed to have in my heart to love my children the way they deserve. God has blessed me abundantly with wonderful, positive friendships and a closer relationship with my family. I cannot explain how much he has changed my heart and my mind in the last few months. What was once a bitter, cold, aching heart….is now a forgiving, warm, loving heart. I am so thankful for the change God has made in me since I stopped running from him. He has given me the power to not only OVERCOME the void in my heart that I was filling with alcohol, but he has also given me the power to OVERCOME the bitterness, loneliness, resentment, un forgiveness, rebellion, emptiness, and hurt from my past. He has replaced my life of momentary happiness, low self esteem, and chaos with a life of joy, self worth, and peace!
For years I couldn’t understand why God would place all these “burdens” on me. But now I know that he knew in creating me that I was strong enough to handle these things – that I would be able to take what some would see as a burden and turn it into a blessing and that later on in life I would be able to take my trials and turn them into a testimony for the benefit of others. I am so thankful for all the ways that God has taken my past and turned it into a future for me! He has placed me in a job where I have the opportunity of helping addicts and their families in recovery on a daily basis. He has surrounded my life with positivity in the Overcomers ministry. Thanks to God….ten years later, I am back on stage sharing my passion and calling of human videos and music as a ministry. I’m so thankful that no matter how far I fell from who he called me to be, he still loves me enough to use me for his glory!
When I was 18 years old, I moved out of my parents’ home so I could “live my own life” and have control. I was so tired of being placed on a pedestal for everyone to see every choice/mistake I made and also tired of abiding by the Christian values and “rules” my parents had placed and strictly enforced in my life. After moving out of my parents’ home, my life spiraled out of control. I had thrown away all the good friendships I had built up my entire life and replaced them with friendships that suited my “new life” better. I began smoking, cussing, drinking, and spending my time with others who not only drank, but smoked weed and used pills. As much as I was around the marijuana and pills, I never felt the urge to try it myself. Thankfully, God always kept his hand on me and never allowed me to do either the pills or the weed. However, over a few months time, I had still completely changed who I had always been. I continued down that path until I got pregnant at the age of 19 with my daughter, Anna. In 2007, I married my husband and Anna was born. Even though my lifestyle had somewhat changed from the party life to being a wife and taking care of my daughter I was still battling a spiritual and mental battle at home, my husband’s addiction.
Over the years in dealing with his addictions, my heart became so filled with anger, bitterness, resentment, sorrow, depression, and pure heartache. Not only was his addiction killing him, it was killing me as well….mentally, emotionally, and physically. Living with his addiction was like living in a cycle of confusion and fear. He would go to rehab to get help…..get better….come home….and things would be great, for about two weeks. In that time, I was always fearful of what tomorrow would bring, but I learned to just be happy with the way things were. Then, the cycle would start all over. Things would go from bad, to worse, to pure chaos in a matter of months. Not only did it affect his state of mind…it also affected mine. To deal with his addiction, I would turn to alcohol. I used alcohol as my “coping mechanism.” I would drink to take away the feelings of abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, worthlessness, and heartache that I dealt with on a daily basis. No matter how much I drank, all those feelings remained and I never could understand why I felt like my heart was cold and hard.
I never once saw this behavior as me running from God. I went to church. I had been in church my entire life and knew Jesus. It angered me when people would tell me to give God control of my life and that I was running from my purpose and the calling he had for me. I didn’t feel that I needed to give God control. I could fix this myself and didn’t need God’s help. Instead of seeing that they were concerned about my future and loved me, I was convinced everyone was just looking down upon me with judgment. As the years went by in dealing with my husband’s addiction, my mental and emotional state became worse and worse. Around the time that things had reached the breaking point, I got pregnant with my youngest daughter, Harper. In the months that I was pregnant with Harper, I began to feel completely alone and isolated from everyone and everything.
I was filled with fear that something would happen to my husband or he would be arrested and I would be left alone taking care of two children alone like I had been left so many times with my oldest child. In that time, Satan began to fill my mind with lies….awful terrible lies. “If God loved you, he would stop this…” “You are wasting your time crying out to God, he doesn’t hear you” “Nobody would ever miss you if you just disappeared…” “This is always going to be your life…you are doomed and stuck in this life forever”….These are just a few of the terrible lies that clouded my mind on a daily basis. After giving birth to Harper and months of listening to the devil’s lies, I gave up. Due to his addiction and spending every waking moment focused on drugs and spending all his time with those who also used drugs, my husband was hardly ever home so I felt totally alone, unloved, and worthless. I completely handed my mind over to Satan. I allowed his lies and deceit to lead me to a place of severe depression and becoming suicidal. There were multiple times when I just locked myself in the bathroom and contemplated a way to end my life and just get it over with to end the misery.
If not for the love I have for my children and the mercy and love of God, I know I wouldn’t be sharing my testimony today. Finally, while sitting in the bathroom floor one night with a bottle of pills in my hand, God spoke to me. It’s as if he was standing right in front of me, I could hear him that clearly tell me, “Look at yourself. Look at what you are doing. Look at where this life has led you. Get up! You will never get what you want from me….until you give me what I want from you – Control!” That’s all he has ever wanted....was for me to walk in HIS will…not my own. So I submitted all control of my path, my relationship with my husband, my children, my finances, and most importantly…I gave him control of my heart. Once he was given control, everything in my life changed. Not only has he completely transformed my relationship with my husband, he has also changed how I feel about myself. He has given me the love I always needed to have in my heart to love my children the way they deserve. God has blessed me abundantly with wonderful, positive friendships and a closer relationship with my family. I cannot explain how much he has changed my heart and my mind in the last few months. What was once a bitter, cold, aching heart….is now a forgiving, warm, loving heart. I am so thankful for the change God has made in me since I stopped running from him. He has given me the power to not only OVERCOME the void in my heart that I was filling with alcohol, but he has also given me the power to OVERCOME the bitterness, loneliness, resentment, un forgiveness, rebellion, emptiness, and hurt from my past. He has replaced my life of momentary happiness, low self esteem, and chaos with a life of joy, self worth, and peace!
For years I couldn’t understand why God would place all these “burdens” on me. But now I know that he knew in creating me that I was strong enough to handle these things – that I would be able to take what some would see as a burden and turn it into a blessing and that later on in life I would be able to take my trials and turn them into a testimony for the benefit of others. I am so thankful for all the ways that God has taken my past and turned it into a future for me! He has placed me in a job where I have the opportunity of helping addicts and their families in recovery on a daily basis. He has surrounded my life with positivity in the Overcomers ministry. Thanks to God….ten years later, I am back on stage sharing my passion and calling of human videos and music as a ministry. I’m so thankful that no matter how far I fell from who he called me to be, he still loves me enough to use me for his glory!
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If you have a prayer need, need someone to just reach out to, or if you are seeking help for yourself or someone you love who is bound by addiction, depression, suicidal thoughts, or simply lost, please leave your contact information and I will get in touch with you as soon as possible. Have a blesed day!
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